Precious
by rlassie
Summary: "I love you, Moony." "Then why do you hurt me like this, Padfoot?" A story about not knowing what you've got until it's gone, learning from your mistakes and learning to trust again. Can love really conquer all? Wolfstar, post-Hogwarts and war, SLASH.
1. Ending

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Trust me; I would know if I did.

**Chapter One – Ending **

* * *

"I love you, Moony."

Remus stared at his best mate and boyfriend, arms wrapped around his middle as if holding himself together. Sirius looked like he'd been run over by a herd of Centaurs as he stood in front of him, hands held out on a pleading gesture. His usually silky, black hair was a mess, sticking up in odd places and carrying enough grease, it could have rivalled Snapes. His face was a pallid, whitish colour, his scruffy, unkempt beard highlighting the paleness of his skin. He had bags under his eyes that were big enough to hide yourself in, his hastily thrown on clothes were ripped and muddy, and he smelt like a Mountain Troll who hadn't seen soap and water in years.

But it was his eyes that confirmed what he had been up to the night before. The usually heated, beautiful grey was red and bloodshot, squinting in defence of the light streaming through the window behind Remus. He looked like he was in pain, which he probably was.

Even Sirius Black couldn't drink as much as he had last night and get away without a hangover.

"Do you?" Remus murmured faintly, heart screaming in his chest. He was finding it hard to breathe. The pain was huge and all-consuming and he hated Sirius for making him feel this way.

Again.

"Yes! More than you can know!"

"Then why do you hurt me like this, Padfoot?"

Silence was his only answer. Sirius stared at him desperately, throat working as he tried to speak, but no words came out. Remus sighed, hugging himself tighter.

"Was she worth it?" he whispered, turning away from the man he loved. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sirius take a step towards him, the Black wizard stopping when the werewolf threw up his hand.

"She didn't mean anything to me, Remus. Please, don't do this."

"No, they never do, do they? But you still do it. You still go out, get drunk and then fuck some random person. And I still wait here like the fool I am, until you come stumbling in the door at dawn, smelling of someone else."

He turned back just in time to see Sirius wince and take another step towards him, eyes begging. "Moony, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again, I swear to Merlin. Just… just please don't leave me. I can't handle it if you leave me."

"Then you should have thought of that before bringing your latest fuck home to use in _our_ bed!" Remus snarled, hurt quickly morphing in blazing anger. Sirius winced again and let out something that almost sounded like a sob.

"Remus… Remus, I love you so much… please…"

"Don't _touch_ me!" the werewolf spat as Sirius reached for his hand. The gesture was quickly drawn back and Remus swallowed, pushing down the wave of guilt at his boyfriend's wounded expression. Mustering his courage, he glared at the man who was continuously breaking his heart.

"You don't get to touch me after this, Sirius. Not after this. I've put up with a lot from you since the end of the war, telling myself that Azkaban and the fighting had taken its toll and you just needed to heal. I even kept up with those stupid, naïve rationalizations after the first time I smelt another person on your skin, and even after that when you did it time and time again. I listened to your pleading when I called you on it and I always gullibly believed you when you said it was the last time. But not this time. This… this just is too much."

Involuntary, his eyes flicked to the bed and he flashed back to seeing the naked girl shriek and scamper out of it when he'd come in that morning. The scent of sex wafted off the twisted sheets and it was all Remus could do not to throw up. He swallowed convulsively and tore his gaze away, stomach churning horribly. His anger built again as he stared accusingly at the man who was his everything. His world.

Why wasn't that sentiment returned?

Why wasn't he _enough?_

"Our bed, Sirius? Our _bed?_ I go see Harry for the evening, end up staying and then come home to find you and some slapper in _our fucking_ _bed?"_

"Moony…"

"_No._ No more. I can't take any more. You've gone too far."

He watched horror spread across Sirius face as the wizard finally realized that Remus was deadly serious. That he really _had_ gone too far. He lunged forward desperately, but Remus shot backwards and moved towards the door. He held up his hand again, ardour cooling to devastation as his heart pounded viciously.

"_Don't._ Just… don't. I'll be at Dora's. Please send my stuff over as soon as you can."

He blinked and gasped softly when Sirius was suddenly right in front of him, the movement so quick, he almost didn't see it.

"_Not there._ Please, Remus, _anywhere _but there!"

"You don't get a say in this anymore, Padfoot," Remus murmured hoarsely as he stared into those turbulent, painfully vulnerable eyes.

He swallowed again and looked away as the words seemed to hit his boyfriend – _ex-boyfriend_ – like a ton of bricks. Sirius flinched back as though he'd been slapped, reeling slightly, and then the shutters forcibly came down, leaving his face a calm, utterly blank mask. He stepped back and Remus had to stop himself from reaching out to jerk him back.

_No. You need to be strong. Do not give in._

"Alright. Let me know when you get there and I'll send it over."

Remus closed his eyes, hands trembling slightly as his blood chilled. Merlin. Who knew doing the right thing could hurt so much? He took a deep breath, shuddering on the exhale, and briefly met his best mate's cool, composed gaze, before grimacing and looking down. He couldn't handle seeing the aloofness in Sirius's usually loving expression.

"I-I'll do that," he whispered, turning towards the door again.

"Moony?"

"What?" he muttered, stopping but not turning around. Please, couldn't he just let him go?

"We can still be friends, right? I can't lose you altogether."

Remus's already broken heart shattered completely at that question.

"I-I don't know, Padfoot," he whispered roughly, hand tightening on the doorframe. "Maybe, ah, maybe just give me some time?"

There was a beat of tense, swelling silence. "Right. Time."

Remus took another deep breath and then straightened his shoulders. He needed to get out of there. He needed to get out of there _now._

Before he did something he'd regret.

"Goodbye, Sirius," he said very softly.

An indifferent grunt was all he got in response.

Remus bit back a muffled sob and squeezed his eyes shut tight, hands fisting. Then, with teeth clenched and painful purpose in his heart, he opened them again and put one foot in front of the other, walking out of the house and away from his only love, lover and best friend.

He stopped briefly at the sudden, ear-splitting roar and sound of shattering glass, before letting out a low, angry moan and forcing himself to continue.


	2. Hiding

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I own the plot. The way Sirius acts in with story is all on me. Stupid git.

**Chapter Two – Hiding**

_He stopped briefly at the sudden, ear-splitting roar and sound of shattering glass, before letting out a low, angry moan and forcing himself to continue._

* * *

Remus didn't go to Dora's straight away. Instead, he found himself in a dingy little bar with no clue how he got there. The fact that it was ten in the morning and the place smelt like unwashed body and faeces did nothing to stop him from pulling up a stool and waving at the bartender, his movements jerky and harsh. He may not have known how he'd gotten there, as presently his mind was numb, but unfortunately his heart was a complete contrast, a pulsing, shrieking mass of sharp-edged pain. He knew of only one way to make that go away, even if it was only temporary.

He would take what he could get.

The squat little man behind the bar plunked a dirty glass down in front of him, but all Remus focused on was the piss-yellow liquid inside it. He didn't generally take to firewhiskey, especially the cheap stuff. Hell, he didn't generally take to drinking at all, as it didn't mix with the wolf very well, but at the moment, he couldn't have cared less. He picked up the glass and threw the alcohol back; tapping the bar with shaking fingers to indicate that he wanted more.

He'd drink an ocean's worth of gut-rot if he helped him forget.

Remus threw back his second glass and two hours later saw him weaving on his stool, his heart finally as numb as his mind. At least that's what he was telling himself. His body felt floaty, like gravity no longer had any effect on him, and behind the emotionless, alcohol-soaked fog in his brain, he knew he should be going somewhere safe to sleep off his drunk. Remus was a lot more reckless when he was under the influence, the smarts he was well known for very quickly taking their leave. Surprisingly, whenever the werewolf decided – or, more often, _not_ decided – to drink too much, Sirius had always stayed more or less sober and looked after his friend.

Or at least he had before he'd decided to drink himself into a stupor every second night and fuck everything on two legs.

The numb caved a little at that thought, and the heart-stopping, screaming agony tried to push its way through again. Remus quickly waved for another drink, the bartender grunting and scratching his armpit thoughtfully.

"Sorry, mate, gotta cut you off. Don' wanna lose me licence."

"Anootherrr," Remus slurred, eyes narrowing. He wanted another drink, for fuck's sake!

He _needed_ another drink. _Now._

The bartender shook his head. "Not gonna happen, mate. Sorry."

Remus pushed forward on the stool so that it swayed violently beneath him, fixing his eyes on the dirty man who should be serving him. His lip curled and the wolf that got a lot more active when he drunk swam into his gaze, turning it a deep amber.

"Give. Me. Another. _Drink."_

The man instinctively took a large step back at the low, menacing order, fear splashed across his face. His hand shook as he reached for the bottle.

"Shit, mate, alrigh', just give me-"

"It's okay, sir, I've got this."

Remus turned at the new voice, almost falling off his perch, and blinked stupidly at the man in front of him. It was a sign of exactly how much he'd drunk, that for two seconds, he thought that the past had come back to haunt him.

But, no, it hadn't. His blurry gaze could just make out the scar hidden behind the wayward fringe.

"Harrrrry," he muttered, slurring once again. The-Boy-Who-Lived smiled at him gently and took him by the shoulders.

"Come on, Remus, time to go."

"Wha' are you… doin' herrree?" Remus mumbled, obediently following the Auror. Harry flicked a few coins down on the bar and led the drunken werewolf into the bright daylight.

"Stopping Sirius from tearing the town apart looking for you. You've had us worried, Professor."

"No' a Professsssor… anymore," he muttered, weaving as his head spun. Why was light so light? So bright? Brightlight? Lightbright? He giggled and then groaned, clutching at his stomach as it spun in time with his head.

"Right, definitely time to go. Can you hang on tight, Remus? Don't let go of my arm, alright?"

"No'… home," Remus mumbled, craning his head up to see Harry frown.

"But Sirius…"

"Nonononononononono-"

"Okay, okay, my place then?"

"Ginny…"

"Won't care. You need some place to sleep this off, Remus. Tonks's is out until you sober up. I don't think you want Teddy to see you like this, do you?"

The rational part of Remus's brain, tiny though it may be at the moment, starting shouting at Teddy's name. His eight-year-old son seeing the father he idolized, a sodden, gibbering, stinking mess was the last thing he wanted. He swallowed thickly and moved his head up and down at the younger man, in something that looked a little like a nod. Harry smiled back at him grimly.

"Right then. Hold on tight."

He made sure Remus's hand was fixed firmly on his arm and then turned on the spot, Disapparating with a sharp _crack._ They appeared again in Harry's living room and Remus immediately fell to the floor groaning, stomach rushing up to meet his throat. He gulped and gagged, trying desperately to keep the contents of his stomach inside where they belonged.

"Harry? Did you find him… oh dear. Is he drunk?"

Remus curled up into a ball and sighed as his stomach finally decided it wouldn't launch itself across the room. He pressed his forehead against the carpet, wishing it was cool against the horrible heat of his skin. This was another reason why he didn't drink often. He'd never been able to handle the unavoidable sickness that accompanied it.

"Unfortunately, yes. Can you floo Sirius and Tonks and let them know I found him?"

"Alright," Remus heard Ginny answer. "Sirius first I think." She crouched down beside the werewolf and brushed his hair back. If Remus had been able to think past the roiling sickness in his gut, he would have been slightly embarrassed at being treated this way by a former student.

"You frightened the hell out of Padfoot, disappearing like that," she murmured softly, quickly conjuring a damp cloth to press against the back of his neck. He let out a grateful groan. "You said you were going to Tonks's. Why didn't you?"

"No' his business," Remus muttered, tongue loosened by drink.

"Since when?" Ginny asked. The werewolf could hear the frown in her voice. "It certainly seemed like his business when he flooed in here an hour ago, terrified out of his mind that he couldn't find you."

Remus ignored her and closed his eyes, hoping she'd take the hint. He loved the girl, he really did, but she was far too much like her mother at times. After a moment, she sighed and stood back up again.

"Better get him into bed. Why'd you bring him here, anyway?"

"He refused to go home," Harry answered quietly.

"No' my home," Remus groaned, horrible memories breaking through. His head began to pound and he groaned again, curling up tighter.

"Not his… what did Sirius _do?_"

"I don't know, but I hate to think. I've never seen him like this, Ginny. Remus is always in control, and-"

A loud _crack_ rent the air and Remus was suddenly bombarded by an achingly familiar scent. He moaned and tried to inch away as the floor beside him was occupied once more. He flinched when gentle fingers carded through his hair.

"Sirius, I told you I would let you know!"

The Animagus ignored his godson. "Moony. Oh, thank Merlin! Are you okay? Why are you on the floor? What happened… are you _drunk?_"

Immense, terrible pain speared straight through Remus and his head whipped around, eyes dilating and once again turning dangerously amber. He bared his teeth and growled at his ex-boyfriend, the sound low and vicious.

"_Get away from me."_

Sirius shot backwards so fast, it almost didn't seem like a movement at all. Both Harry and Ginny gasped as the two men stared at each other, Sirius's eyes wide and filled with horror. After a long moment, he shakily got to his feet. He took a slow, tentative step forward, hands reaching out in a beseeching gesture.

"Remus, please."

The werewolf growled again, eyes flaring gold. Sirius stopped dead and swallowed painfully.

"Does the wolf hate me as well?"

Remus didn't answer the beaten little whisper, the dismissing turn of his head making Sirius's shoulders fall, his expression devastated. He reached up and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand.

"Alright. I'll just… I'll go."

Remus closed his eyes and willed his brain to take that leap into the last final consequence he always experienced when he drank. His stomach and mind reeled and blackness began to grow at the corners of his vision. With a relieved sigh, he embraced that nothingness wholeheartedly.

"I love you, Moony."

His last thought before he passed out was that he knew Sirius loved him. He always had. That was why it hurt so much.

Because without trust, that wonderful, horrible, gut-wrenching glow was not anywhere near enough.


	3. Thinking

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Nup.

**Chapter Three – Thinking**

_Because without trust, that wonderful, horrible, gut-wrenching glow was not anywhere near enough._

* * *

Remus woke abruptly, his brain throwing him head first into consciousness. Eyes springing open as his body jerked upright, he blinked a couple of times and then groaned loudly, hands reaching up to clutch at his head. His stomach, deciding that it hadn't tortured him enough the day before, swam greasily, his temple compressing tightly in time with it and then exploding with pain. He gasped, his belly took a running jump into his throat, and Remus bolted from the bed.

Harry found him ten minutes later with his head buried in the toilet bowl, retching violently.

"You're awake," the Auror said mildly when the older man finally flushed the toilet and pulled himself back to sit on the floor.

"You don't say," Remus muttered, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"You were out for eighteen hours."

The tone finally registered with the werewolf and he looked up to find Harry watching him closely. He could all but taste the worry his former student was projecting. He sighed and slowly got to his feet.

"I'm fine, Harry."

"No," the other wizard disagreed after a moment, stepping back to give his mentor room. "You're not. Far from it, I'd wager, if you go on a bender like that first thing in the morning and then pass out for the entire day and night."

"It's nothing. Really."

"You were unconscious for _eighteen hours_, Remus."

The werewolf turned around and met the concerned green gaze of his dead best mate's son. He grimaced, sighed again and rubbed his face with his hands.

"Don't worry about that. No, really," he insisted when Harry frowned at him. "The wolf doesn't like it when I drink. It, ah, affects him rather badly and once we're down, it takes him around about that long to recover. It's a normal thing and it happens every time I drink too much. Now, do you mind if we head downstairs? I'd murder a cuppa."

"Sure," Harry said, still watching him and looking a little relieved. He turned and led the way, the two of them walking silently through the still house.

"What time is it?" Remus asked as he took a seat at the kitchen table, Harry grabbing the jug and filling it with water. He and Ginny lived in a mostly muggle household, as both of their everyday lives were completely enveloped in the wizarding world. Harry had told Remus and Sirius when they'd bought the place that they both liked to come home and live something a little different. Something that was apart from their busy work lives.

Both the older wizards had been surprised by this. Considering how much Harry loved the Burrow, they'd thought he'd want to copy it. James's son had surprised them, something he'd made a habit of doing in the two years since the end of the war.

His heart ached hollowly and Remus scowled, pushing thoughts of a certain self-destructive wizard away.

"Just after six," the Auror answered, making Remus blink in surprise.

"Why are you up so early?"

"Dunno. Just couldn't sleep," Harry said with a shrug, avoiding Remus's gaze as he a steaming cup of tea in front of him. Remus frowned at the lie.

"I'm fine, Harry," he repeated quietly. The other man shook his head and sat down.

"Bollocks. But if you don't want to talk about it at the moment, I can wait."

Remus smiled gently. "Thank you."

Harry nodded and then they both looked over at a tap on the window. A very familiar looking owl was sitting on the windowsill, a letter tied to its leg. Remus quickly looked away, finding his cup extraordinarily interesting as Harry looked at him, hesitated and then got up to let it. Two minutes later, he sat back down again.

"It's addressed to me," he said quietly. Remus continued to study his rapidly cooling tea as he unfolded it. The scent that he both loved and hated drifted off the parchment and Remus had to fight the urge to snatch it out of the other wizard's hand.

"Remus."

The werewolf sighed and looked up. Harry was holding it out to him. Remus stared at it for a long moment, mouth twisted in indecision.

"It won't bite, Moony."

_Won't it?_ Remus thought sourly, but reached for it anyway. Both he and Harry pretended not to notice the way his fingers trembled as he took the letter from The Chosen One's hand. He sucked in a bracing breath and turned the single piece of parchment towards him.

_Is he all right?_

That was all it said. Remus swallowed and carefully but the parchment down, the trembles turning into full-blown shakes.

"Remus?"

"I'm fine," he said for the third time, voice hoarse. He stared blindly at the table as Harry picked the letter back up. "I'm fine."

"What do you want me to say back?"

Remus's hands fisted and he took another breath before looking up, eyes hard. "Tell him whatever you like. I don't care anymore."

"Yes, you do," Harry contradicted firmly. He waved the letter, drawing Remus's gaze. "And so does he. Whatever he's done, Remus, he still loves and cares about you. He was going insane with worry when we couldn't find you yesterday."

"I told him I would let him know when I got to Dora's," Remus muttered, his head beginning to pound again. The scent of Padfoot was intensifying as Harry waved the letter, and the spicy, tangy musk was slowly driving him up the wall. Come to think of it, that addictive scent permeated the entire house in some way or another, which was to be expected. Sirius was Harry's godfather and he took that job very seriously.

As the predictable joke ran through his head, Remus realized that he couldn't stay much longer. Sirius was too ingrained in the household. He needed to get away from him as much as he could.

Until he came up with another alternative, it looked like Dora's was the best option.

He finished his now-cold tea and stood up. "Tell Ginny I said thanks for the bed and that I'm sorry for all the trouble."

"Where are you going?" Harry asked with a frown, rising from his seat as well.

"Dora's."

"This early? Come on, Remus, at least stay for breakfast."

His stomach immediately protested at the thought of food and Remus shook his head. "No, that's okay. I'll leave you to it."

"But-"

"I can't stay here, Harry, alright? I just… I can't."

Harry's frown deepened at the abrupt denial and he sighed, comprehension slowly dawning. His eyes narrowed and he pointed a finger at the werewolf.

"If you think for one moment that Ginny and I will let you get away with not being around us because Sirius is a lot of the time, you've got another thing coming. You're important to us… to _me_, just as much as he is."

"He's your godfather."

"And you're the person who got me through third year. You taught me how to keep the monsters at bay."

Remus smiled, warmth making his fractured heart feel whole for just a moment. "The monsters?"

"Well, that's what they are, really. So, don't even think about walking away. No matter what happens between you and Padfoot, whether you sort this out or not, you'll always be welcome here. You were one of my father's best mates and you'll always have a place at my table."

"Well said, Harry," a voice spoke from the bottom of the stairs and both men turned to see Ginny walking towards them. She stopped beside her boyfriend and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek before turning to Remus. She surveyed him for a moment and then grinned cheerfully.

"You look like shite."

Even though the werewolf's laugh came out sounding foreign and stilted, it was still a laugh, and both Harry and Ginny smiled at the sound. The redhead stepped forward and once again leaned up, this time kissing Remus on the cheek.

"Don't you dare be a stranger, Remus Lupin. But if you really do need to get away as much as you say you do, Minerva's offer may come in handy."

Remus blinked and then pursed his lips in thought. The Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's offer had been the reason Remus had gone to see Harry the night Sirius had defiled their home. Remus didn't have a steady, well-paying job, and the Defence against the Dark Arts position at the school once again needed to be filled. The curse had continued on after the war, though fortunately none the last two teachers had left because of nefarious means. Remus had gotten a letter from Minerva the morning before Sirius's horrid bedsport, asking if he wanted to take up the mantle again.

He'd been immediately interested and he'd very much wanted to discuss it with his partner. Unfortunately, Sirius had been MIA that entire day, so, finding Harry a lot like his mother and needing an ear to list the pros and cons with, he'd gone to see the younger wizard. They'd spoken far into the night, which had been the reason why Remus had ended up staying.

He hadn't expected to come home and find a trail of clothing leading to the bedroom, and then an expanse of naked, female skin sprawled over his bed, a more familiar tan expanse covering it.

He shuddered and closed his eyes, trying to shove away that image. He couldn't think of that at the moment. Hell, he couldn't think of that altogether.

"You have a point," he said quietly, rubbing his eyes. He blinked them open at a trill from the window, looking over to see the owl still sitting there, waiting for a reply. It reminded him that he really needed to go.

"I'll think about it and let you know what I decide," he said. Harry frowned at him again.

"You're still going?"

Remus nodded. "If he doesn't get an answer soon, he'll come over, no matter what I say or want, and I can't see him yet. Hell, he'll probably come over anyway. But I'll be back, though, I promise."

"Soon," Ginny ordered, eyes narrowing. Remus sent her a small, tired smile.

"Soon," he agreed.

"Alright. I better answer Sirius. Let us know, yeah?" Harry said, turning back to the table to write a reply. Remus nodded.

"I'm sorry for worrying everyone yesterday," he said.

"It was more Padfoot's reaction that freaked everyone out," Ginny said. "Oh, and the drunken werewolf, of course."

Remus grimaced. "That's not going to happen again anytime soon," he muttered. At least he hoped it wouldn't. Then again, Sirius was involved.

That wizard was capable of turning the world upside down without even trying.

~0~

Remus flooed into Dora's living room, not wanting to take the chance of Apparating. Though most of the time he didn't suffer much past being sick when he first woke up after drinking, he didn't want to put that to the test. He stepped out of the fire and sighed, body lethargic with exhaustion. Quickly settling down on the sofa, he leaned back and closed his eyes.

It was the sound of padding feet and the feeling of someone curling up into his side that pulled him from his dazed, half-asleep stupor. That and the scent of chocolate, wax and honey. He smiled.

_Teddy._

He opened his eyes and looked down to meet a gaze that was very much like his own. Bright, sea green eyes blinked up at him sleepily, the small body clad in festive, fire engine red pyjamas. Remus sighed again and pulled the body closer, leaning down to kiss the top of his head.

"Morning," he murmured softly. "What are you doing up?"

"You're here," his son mumbled, the simple answer making Remus smile again as Teddy wrapped his arms around his father's middle. "Are you here to stay?"

"For a bit," Remus answered, patting his leg when Teddy's shoulders drooped. "Your mum still in bed?"

"Ah huh. Want me to go wake her?"

"No, don't do that. Let her sleep."

"Okay," Teddy said, burrowing closer. Remus hugged him tightly and they sat in the quiet, enjoying each other's company. After a while, Teddy's light snores seeped into the air and this time, Remus grinned.

It was no secret that the one thing Teddy wanted more than anything was for Remus to live with him all the time. Unfortunately, that was one wish the werewolf couldn't grant. He wasn't willing to take Teddy away from Dora and in recent years, Dora had become one of Sirius's least favourite people.

That was an understatement. Sirius hated his cousin. He was very, very good at holding a grudge, and in his opinion, Dora had done something that was very grudge worthy.

When people heard about Teddy and how the eight-year-old lived with his mother while his father lived with his boyfriend on the other side of town, most assumed Remus had switched teams for a while and had had an affair with the witch. That was about as far from the truth as you could get.

Yes, Remus had slept with Dora, Teddy ending up being the result of that. However, he'd only done it because he'd thought the Metamorphmagus was the man he loved.

Dora had been eighteen when she'd formed a crush on the much older werewolf. Remus had known the girl for a few years, having met her before Sirius had been shipped off to Azkaban. He'd stayed in contact with Andromeda and Ted Tonks when his lover had been jailed, finding comfort in the familiar. He'd been well aware of Dora's crush, but had never commented on it, hoping that with time it would fade.

It hadn't. Instead it had seemed to grow, cumulating in the young witch seeking him out, plying him with liquor and then changing her appearance so that her top half looked identical to Sirius Black. She'd chosen a very good day to do it as well, as Remus had just lost his job and had been looking forward to drowning his sorrows. He hadn't realized that the brew had been a mixture of firewhiskey and muggle whiskey, making it twice as strong. Dora had hexed it to hide that.

In the end, she'd regretted her little scheme entirely. The wolf was an irrational creature and at the time, the part of him that came out when he was drunk had been very angry with Sirius for what he saw as abandonment. Add in the befuddled confusion brought on by alcohol and you did not have a calm, clear-thinking werewolf.

Remus had taken her brutally, far too far gone to notice that a certain part of his old lover's anatomy was missing, or that the scent was different. All he'd seen was those stormy, lust-filled grey eyes and that hard, lithe torso. He'd done away with all foreplay and it had basically been a case of find hole, insert and rut.

The guilt afterwards had nearly driven him insane. It had been Dora's first time and he'd hurt her quite severely. He'd all but raped her, and no matter how often she'd told him she'd wanted it and him, nothing she said made him feel any better. Then there had been the anger he felt at being tricked.

Because of one young girl's selfish desires, he'd ended up betraying the man that, no matter how hard he tried not to be, he was still very much in love with. And he'd hurt her in the process to boot.

It had taken a very, _very_ long time for him to forgive Dora for that, not to mention forgiving himself. Teddy had eventually helped a lot, as in the end; Remus couldn't hate the mother of his child. She'd given him the greatest gift, even if the method had been one of the worst nights of his life.

He still hadn't totally forgiven himself. He didn't think he ever would.

Sirius, on the other hand, had actively despised Dora from the moment he'd found out. Teddy had been a year old when Sirius had escaped from Azkaban and at first the Animagus had thought as most people did, though nothing was said about it until Harry's fifth year. They'd been alone for once, everything had come to a head and the two men had ended up screaming at each other.

"_You fucked my cousin!"_

"_I thought she was you!"_

That conversation had ended in a furious shagging session and they were together from then on. Sirius had then decided to focus his rage on the person who had pulled the stunt in the first place. Remus had only just stopped him from attacking Dora the next time they saw her. He hadn't warmed up to her in the years since, though he had tried his best not to let that show when Teddy was around.

Remus sighed once again as he pulled his thoughts back to the present. His son was curled into him, warm against his side, and the werewolf looked down in time to watch the red he'd been sporting drip from his hair until it was back at his natural brown. He smiled. Teddy had never been able to keep up a change while he slept, so he'd taught himself to automatically go back to the state he'd been in before he went to bed as soon as he woke up. Seems like last night he'd decided to be a redhead.

He cuddled him closer and closed his eyes. If he accepted Minerva's offer, he'd get to see Teddy even less. But if he didn't, he'd run the risk of seeing Sirius whenever he turned a corner.

He groaned silently and rubbed his chest as his heart stuttered and bloomed with dull, echoey pain. At the moment, he wasn't entirely sure which was lesser of the two evils.


	4. Deciding

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I've changed things because I can. That obviously means I don't own the original, doesn't it?

**Chapter Four – Deciding**

_He groaned silently and rubbed his chest as his heart stuttered and bloomed with dull, echoey pain. At the moment, he wasn't entirely sure which was the lesser of the two evils._

* * *

Remus hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep until the wiggling against his side and the soft murmur of voices, one happy and bright and the other still sleep-ridden, woke him up. He blinked open his eyes and stood, stretching and craning his neck to work out the kinks. He felt exceptionally better than he had when he first arrived. As always, sleeping after he'd come back to the land of the living had succeeded in getting rid of any hangover he might have had.

He walking through to the kitchen where the voices were coming from, smiling when Teddy looked up and grinned at him. His hair was purple, his eyes still that bright sea-green, something they always were when Remus was around.

"Dad! Hey, hiya, you're up!" Teddy spluttered loudly as milk dribbled down his chin, unknowingly echoing Harry from earlier that morning.

"I am. Inside voice, though, please, Teddy. It's too early to raise the roof."

"So I can use my outside voice inside later in the day?"

Remus's brows went up and inwardly he smiled in amusement as his son sat there and shot him a cheeky grin. He scooped up another spoonful of cereal and watched his father expectantly. Teddy Lupin was very good at twisting words and sentences to suit himself. He was an incredibly intelligent boy and he used that to his advantage every chance he got. Remus was extremely proud of that fact, something he'd never tell his son. Sirius did that enough for him.

Pain blossomed in his chest and Remus swallowed thickly, taking a seat as his knees shook. Fuck. What was he going to do about the close relationship Sirius and Teddy shared? Sirius may loath Dora, but he loved Teddy with everything he had and vice versa. He couldn't keep the two away from each other, it would hurt them both too much.

_Why are you worried about hurting Sirius? He hurt _you_, he deserves everything he gets._

He shook his head at his vindictive thoughts, knowing that no matter how much Padfoot had stomped on his heart, he couldn't deliberately do the same. Remus hated hurting _anyone_, the thought of hurting someone he'd been friends with since he was eleven was unimaginable.

Something clicked in the back of his mind, and it was then that he knew that eventually, he'd grant Sirius's request. He'd be friends with the Animagus again in time. He couldn't not be.

Sirius was the only thing he had left of the best part of his life. No matter what he'd done, he couldn't throw that away completely.

He shoved that realization to the back of his mind, looking up with a strained smile as a cup was placed in front of him. He couldn't deal with that yet. He may be willing to repair his friendship with Sirius eventually, but that eventually was a _very_ long way off at the moment.

He needed to heal first.

"Dad?"

Remus looked over at Teddy again, picking up his cup and savouring the strong, sweet tea. He hadn't been able to enjoy his first one of the day. "Hmm?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"And he's not going to, young man, because you already know the answer. Outside voices are for outside, not inside, at _any_ time of the day. Now, finish your breakfast and go get dressed. I'm opening today, so we can't be late."

Teddy pouted, his hair flashing green as he held his mother's gaze. Dora fixed him with a stern look and pointed at his breakfast silently, not backing down. Teddy had been testing his boundaries a lot lately, and neither of his parents were willing to let him get away with it. Eventually the boy broke the stare-down. With his pout growing, he concentrated once more on his cereal, and after a couple more spoonful's, he pushed the bowl away. "Done."

"Good. Shower and dressed now. I want you back down here in half an hour, ready to go."

Teddy grumbled and got up, heading out of the kitchen. He stopped at the doorway and turned around again. "Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"How long is a bit?"

Remus sighed, briefly met Dora's confused gaze and then looked back at the eight-year-old. "I'm not sure, Teddy."

"Oh. Is Padfoot staying as well?"

Remus groaned inwardly, wanting nothing more than to thump his forehead against the island bar repeatedly. Sweet Merlin, just kill him now. "No, son. He's not."

Teddy opened his mouth to speak again, no doubt to ask _why_ his favourite uncle wasn't staying, when in the past, he and his father had gone everywhere and done everything together. Teddy knew Remus was in a relationship with the man, just as he knew all that that entailed. They'd never hidden it from him. When Teddy had gotten old enough to want to know why his parents weren't together like most of his friend's parents were, they'd found they couldn't.

"Didn't your mother tell you to do something, Edward?"

Teddy pulled a face at the use of his full name and sighed. He turned and trudged from the kitchen, the sound of his feet stomping through the living room and up the stairs echoing back to his parents. As soon as they heard the bathroom door close, Dora turned to Remus and folded her arms.

"Alright, what's going on? You never let him get away with a comment like that inside voice one."

Remus rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, sorry about that. It's been a long couple of days."

"I'm guessing this has something to do with Sirius floo calling yesterday and then freaking out when I said you weren't here?"

"Hmm," Remus mumbled noncommittally, not wanting to go into it quite yet. He sipped his tea and reached for a piece of toast.

"Remus."

Sighing, Remus looked up. Dora was watching him with concern swimming through her brown eyes.

"Sirius calls, expecting you to be here, which I know nothing about, and then panics when you aren't, and I get up this morning to find you and Teddy curled up on the couch. You know you're always welcome, but you've never come over so early before. What's going on?"

The werewolf grimaced and put the untouched toast down. "Alright. So, I've… ah, I've l-left Sirius."

The moment he said it, Remus had to lay his head down on the countertop as his heart jolted and began racing in his chest, his breath catching in his lungs. He choked slightly and squeezed his eyes shut, pain once again tearing through him. Holy Merlin, it _hurt._

"You… you _left_ him? For real?"

"As real as possible," Remus muttered, grasping faintly as he tried to force air into his lungs. His chest was so painfully tight, it hurt to draw oxygen.

"What happened? I mean, the two of you… Remus? Alright, enough of that. Breath, Rem."

"I'm trying," he wheezed, fingers gripping the countertop until his knuckles turned white. His heart was still racing at an uncomfortable rate and on top of that, it felt far too large, swelling up to fill and close his throat. He jerked when he felt a hand grasp his chin, lifting it up until he was once again staring into concerned brown eyes.

"Breath with me, Remus. In… that it, hold it now… and out. In again… and hold… and out again. In…"

Remus did what he was told and slowly, his lungs opened again. He breathed in air as his chest decompressed, listening to the calm quiet voice of his son's mother. After a couple minutes, Dora stepped back with a nod.

"Okay, now I know it's real – you just had a panic attack. What the hell did he do?"

With another sigh, Remus sat back and rubbed his face with his hands, still feeling a little jittery. He hadn't had one of those since his days at Hogwarts. He grimaced as his eyes went briefly to the door. Thank Merlin Teddy was still upstairs. It would terrify his son to see Remus on the verge of collapsing.

Meeting Dora's gaze again, he picked up and sipped that glass she put down beside his tea, smiling when he realized it was apple juice. Teddy's favourite.

He wondered for a moment if he should tell her. Sirius really didn't like his cousin at all and he had an inkling that if he did let Dora in on what had happened, his ex- that Sirius would see it as a betrayal.

_One betray for another. Evens the odds a bit, don't you think?_

He grimaced, shaking those thoughts away. He hadn't felt this bitter since he'd first found out what being bitten meant and his whole world had changed in an instant.

"I found him in bed with someone else," he said quietly, voice hoarse. It would be harder if she didn't know. He wasn't going to tell her that this wasn't the first time, though. There were some things that should stay just between him and Sirius.

Dora's face was the definition of gobsmacked. "You found him… what the fuck? Sirius slept with another man?"

"It was a woman actually."

"I can't believe he would do that! That _arse! _Stupid shit, what the hell does he think he's doing… a woman?"

"Yeah," Remus said, letting out a slight laugh, his eyes aching. He finished the apple juice and then picked up his tea, quickly putting it down with a grimace. Damn it, cold again. "A woman."

"But… he likes men!"

Remus sighed, suddenly feeling the thirteen years between him and the Metamorphmagus keenly. "Sirius has never been concerned about a little thing like someone's sex, Dora. He's always given and taken pleasure from whoever would let him. Didn't matter if it was male or female."

"Oh. Well, that doesn't matter anyway. I thought he loved you!"

"He does," the wizard murmured, so softly he barely heard himself say it. He may have questioned that when he'd confronted Sirius, but he'd only doubted it for a second. Padfoot loved him so much, Remus had sometimes felt suffocated. Though you never would have guessed it, Sirius Black was a very needy creature.

Considering Remus loved him back just as much, he'd never held that fact against him.

"So you left him? Good for you," Dora continued, obviously not hearing Remus's comment. The werewolf silently took note of the fact that she hadn't asked him if he was sure they couldn't work things out. Dora had a very black and white view when it came to wrong and right. It took a lot to convince her to give someone a second chance. "What are you going to do now?"

"I don't really know," Remus answered quietly. "I've had an offer but I'm not sure if I should take it. Can I stay here for a few days until I can make other arrangements?"

"Course you can, you don't even need to ask. What's the offer?"

Remus smiled, pleased to now have a base. "Minerva has offered me the DADA position at Hogwarts."

"Really?" Dora grinned as she turned and began cleaning up the breakfast dishes. "Rem, that's fantastic! You loved your year there."

"I did, but if I accept, I'll hardly ever get to see Teddy. I don't want that."

The Metamorphmagus turned around again to catch Remus's gaze, her lips pursed in thought. Consideration ran through her eyes and slowly, a smile pulled at her lips until she was grinning at him. "Not if we go with you."

The werewolf blinked stupidly. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Teddy and I. We'll come with you. This way you can see him every weekend if you want to. It's the perfect solution, Remus!"

Remus stared at the woman in front of him, utterly bemused. Go with him? Why would she want to do that? Why would she want to uproot her life just so that he could see his son whenever he wanted? She wasn't that selfless a person! Unless… his eyes narrowed and he searched her gaze, awkwardness steadily building.

"Dora, you're not… you don't…"

"I don't what?" she asked with a frown as he trailed off. Her eyes suddenly widened as comprehension dawned and Remus frowned at the laughter that bubbled up and over.

"On, come on, Remus, don't flatter yourself! That brainless little crush ended _years_ ago! It's kind of hard to be infatuated with someone when you're terrified of one half of them!"

Remus winced and dropped his gaze, the picture of a weeping, eighteen-year-old Dora curled up in a ball flashing through his mind, making guilt burn through his gut like acid. Would he ever live that down?

"Oh, shit, fuck, Rem, I didn't mean it like that! I just meant that Teddy's conception – something that wasn't your fault _at all_ – helped cure me of any school girl heart pounding. And seeing you with Sirius did the rest of it. The bond between the two of you really drove home how little a chance I _ever_ had. I had the wrong bloody plumbing for a start off!"

_Not entirely_, Remus thought, guilt still eating at him. He heard Dora sigh and she reached out to grasp his hands, squeezing them.

"Remus, you have to forgive yourself for that. It was completely my fault and everything that happened that night, I brought on myself."

Remus's head shot up. "Don't say that."

"It's true, really. I knew what you were, but I had no idea of the mechanics between a werewolf and its mate. I went in completely blind and threw myself to the wolves, literally. I was stupid and naïve and I paid the price. But I got the best thing on earth out of it, so I don't regret it one bit."

Remus's smile was small, but it was there. "Teddy."

"Got it in one, hotshot. Now, why would you think that I was besotted with you again?"

Remus swallowed, still feeling awkward. "Err, there hasn't been any, ah, _visitors_ around here for a while and you were so quick to jump on the idea of going with me…"

He winced again when Dora's eyes narrowed. "How do you know I haven't had any male company lately? No, don't answer that. Your kid has a big mouth, Remus Lupin."

"Look who his mother is," the werewolf joked with another slight smile, making her grin and shake her head.

"Anyway, the reason I was 'quick to jump' as you say, was because you're not the only one who got an offer. The twins offered me a job."

Remus frowned. "You already have job with them."

The Metamorphmagus rolled her eyes. "I'm aware of that, you prat. This is bigger. A promotion of sorts. The new shop in Hogsmeade is opening in a couple of weeks and they want someone they know and trust to run the place."

"A managing position? That's quite the step up from shop assistant. Congratulations!"

Dora grinned. "Thanks. And it's not really when you think of it. I'm already opening and closing Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes now, as well as running it when Fred and George need time off. I've already proven myself, they're just making the title official. If you're going to be at Hogwarts, I can now say yes without worrying about taking Teddy away from you."

"You were thinking about turning it down?" Remus asked. Dora nodded.

"A little. Teddy adores you and he's pretty close to Sirius as well. I couldn't do anything without taking that into account."

"Well," Remus said, taking a deep breath as the solution solidified in his mind. "You don't have to worry about that anymore because I'm going to be in the area."

"Oh, that's great!" Dora grinned, clapping her hands. "I'll tell them today. But, umm, what about Sirius? He loves Teddy."

Remus's mouth hardened and he got up to put his cup and glass in the sink, guilt returning, though for an entirely different reason this time. "Sirius made his bed, now he has to lie on it."

_It's not going to be fun telling him, though,_ he thought as the clatter of his son echoed through the house once more and Teddy ran into the kitchen, washed, dressed and ready to go. He smiled and ruffled his son's purple hair.

Telling Sirius he was moving to another country and taking Dora and Teddy with him, effectively taking away two things the Animagus loved?

Yeah, that wasn't going to be fun at all.

* * *

**A/N - The next chapter will be in Sirius's POV and we'll get to see a little insight into what he's thinking and why he's acting the way he is. Trust me, there's a reason for it. :) Let me know what you think!**


	5. Drowning

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Not at all mine. Except the plot, which you can freely hate me for.

* * *

**A/N – WARNING! Mental illness and it's effects! This isn't something I've ever written before, and though I've never had personal experience with the subject of this chapter, I've tried to do it justice. Hopefully it doesn't offend anyone, because that's the last thing I want.**

* * *

**Chapter Five – Drowning**

_Telling Sirius he was moving to another country and taking Dora and Teddy with him, effectively taking away two things the Animagus loved? Yeah, that wasn't going to be fun at all._

* * *

Chaos.

Light and sound and pressure and fog. Echoing booms and irritating gnat-like buzzing. Words and voices and swelling and too much, far, far, far too much. Building and building and overwhelming and just making him want to scream and scream, to drown everything out, even though he knew it wouldn't work.

It never worked, no matter how hard he wished it would.

Sirius sat in the corner of his and Remus's bedroom-

_Not Remus's anymore, Black. And whose fault is that?_

-curled up in a ball, clutching his head as he muttered to himself. His mind was going haywire, noises from both inside it and the outside world making him want to hurl, or throw something, or cry himself to sleep. The screaming in his head infected his whole world, turning him into a horrible, useless mess.

_You've always been useless, Sirius. A useless friend, a useless son, a useless person. You abandoned your family, killed your best friend, drove away your lover. _

_Who would love you?_

He screwed his eyes shut and shuddered, yanking on hunks of hair in a vain attempt to drown out the words with pain.

Sweet Merlin, the voices. Always the voices. Voices everywhere, screaming at him, bringing him down, tearing him apart. And no Moony to sooth him anymore. No Remus to put him back together, bring him back from the brink and make him feel human again, push back the Black insanity that lived in his blood and flowed through his mind. That was slowly creeping its way up on him, closer and closer every day, as it had his whole life.

It had always been like this. For as long as he could remember, he'd had more than his own voice in his head. His parent's voices had been constant when he was a child, his brother's joining them once he'd been sorted into Gryffindor and had run away from home.

_Broken blood traitor, cavorting with disgusting, filthy half-breeds. Should have drowned you at birth._

_You should have died instead of James._

He drew his knees up and rocked, the chaos on his mind overtaking everything. It had gotten better once he'd met James and Peter-

_Weasel, rat, fucking friend-betraying prick!_

-and Remus, their friendship and acceptance pushing it down and making it possible to ignore for a while. None of them had been the wiser, as he'd been well practised at hiding it. Then that had stopped working and as he'd gotten older, Sirius had found another way to shut out the shrieking.

Pounding himself into someone, concentrating on them and only them, letting the pleasure and satisfaction swell, the arrogance that came with the person under him screaming his name until their voice gave out. Sirius gave himself up to it during his school years, fucking anyone he could get his hand on and just living with himself in his head, letting their wails and whimpers keep him sane and in the here and now. It had worked for a long time, a lot longer than he'd thought it would.

But then he'd gone and fallen in love.

He couldn't do it anymore after that. Not even when he and Remus hadn't been together, when he'd thought his feelings were one-sided. He hadn't slept much during that time. He hadn't wanted his friends to worry, so had somehow managed to restrict his madness to the dead of night. Or at least he'd managed to ignore it until then.

That had all changed the day Remus had turned 17 and the wolf had claimed it's Mate. After that, it had been a swarm of love and lust and begging and him being the one pounded into, and then him chasing Remus when the wizard had avoided him the morning after, filled with guilt and shame. They were together after that, the wolf hadn't given either of them a choice, but then Sirius hadn't wanted one.

Once he'd managed to tackle Remus and get the werewolf to _talk _to him, he'd found that his friend hadn't wanted one either.

"Speaking of talking, Padfoot, you know that that's the only way this is going to go away. Ask for help."

Sirius cracked open his eye to see his long-dead best friend standing in front of him, a scowl on his face. He groaned and knocked his forehead with his fist, hoping if he rattled his brain enough, it would made the hallucination fade.

It didn't.

"Moony will help you, you know he will."

"Remus hates me," he muttered, pain flaring inside him until he was choking on it. His heart sped in his chest, breath panting as he trembled and shook, sweat sliding down his neck as he curled up tighter in defence of the terrible pain.

_Remus hates me. Remus hates me. Remus hates me, Remus hates me, Remus hates me, Remus hates me, Remus ha-_

"Remus doesn't hate you, Sirius, he hates what you've done to him. He's still your friend, even if it's buried really deep at the moment."

"Fuck off, James," Sirius moaned, curling up even tighter, all but knotting himself.

"Wish I could, mate."

The delirium had sunk back down inside him after he and Moony had become an item. That had been the happiest time of his life. The rest of sixth year and seventh year had been heaven, Remus's awe-inspiring love, the shockingly heavy desire and want, and the pure joy the werewolf had made him feel, had for a while, been too much for the insanity to breed in. But then they'd left Hogwarts and the real world had intruded.

Voldemort had ruined everything. James and Lily had gotten married and had Harry and Remus and Sirius had moved in together. And slowly, ever so slowly, Happily Ever After had shattered, breaking into tiny little pieces that had scattered on the wind.

The prophesy, the suspicion, creeping around each other on egg shells, the wolf taking it out on both of them whenever Remus forgot his Bane, which had been a lot more often than usual, sleeping as far away from each other as possible, avoiding all types of touch, especially sexual…

_Dirty, stinking creature-of-darkness, mudblood lover, staining the noble blood in your veins, disgusting shirt-lifter, WRONG, TREASON, REPULSIVE CUM-SUCKER, FAGGOT, TRAITOR TO YOUR HOUSE, NOT FIT TO LIVE, SHOULD HAVE FLUSHED YOU FROM MY WOMB-_

"Don't listen to it, Sirius. None of its true, you know it isn't. Don't let her taint what you and Moony had."

"Shut UP, James!"

The night of Halloween. Hearing something that had sent his careening calm screaming over the edge. Going after the bastard, ignoring Remus when he'd pleaded with him not to, to leave it to the Aurors. Saying unforgivable things to the man he'd loved because he was pulsing with pain and only barely holding himself together. Deliberately _not seeing_ the level of pain his lover was experiencing as well, not taking in the fact that he hadn't been the only one to lose a friend – Remus had lost two.

He'd never been terribly close to Lily, even after the marriage, but Remus had. She'd been the only other friend he'd had beside the Marauders, something Sirius hadn't taken into account when they'd had that last awful fight. Screeching at each other, storming off, vowing that it was over, that he was never coming back…

How he wished with everything he had that that hadn't turned out to be true.

Azkaban.

Fuck it all, upside down and backwards.

He didn't want to think of Azkaban.

He never wanted to think of Azkaban.

A void. A black, empty void. He'd been lost, so very lost, until he'd seen that newspaper.

Getting out, only the thought of killing keeping the madness back, which had been a form of madness in itself. Searching, searching, searching, Harry forcing his way through on occasion, Moony clearing the fog a touch. The Shrieking Shack, wanting nothing more than to tear the rat apart, seeing Remus for the first time in _13 years_ but not letting that break his focus…

Harry saving Peter's life and then saving his own.

On the run for a year, learning about Teddy and Tonks and dying inside, then Grimmauld Place and shouting at Remus again. Then fucking him.

Loving him with everything inside him. Drawing him in and letting him work his magic once more, pushing it all down and back and making him human again.

Making him sane, if that was ever actually possible.

Listening to him for once when his love had told him not to go running after Harry at the Department of Mysteries. Trusting Remus to take care of it instead.

_And what was his reward? You, shagging someone else in his and your bed. Making him catch the scent of spunk on your sheets, the scent of someone else's sweat. Putting those images in his head. You're a monster, Black._

"Merlin, Padfoot, Lily would _never_ have said that! It's only your own guilt making you hear it, your own judgement making her say those words. Stop it."

"You're not real, you're not real, you're not real, you're not real, you're-"

"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to me."

The war trucking along and reaching its inevitable conclusion, fighting in the Final Battle and not leaving Remus's side even once. Supporting Harry and standing behind him in everything. Loving him like a son.

Following him when he and Ginny moved to Godric's Hollow, he and Remus finding their own place, saying good riddance to Grimmauld Place forever, trying not to resent Tonks for following them, finding that he loved Teddy just as much as he loved Harry. Living and loving and moving on.

Until the voices had come back.

They never went away, never gave him any peace. Moony couldn't keep them back any longer. He didn't know why, when it had worked up until now. All he knew was that Remus gave him a little bit of a reprieve, dulling them whenever they were together, until even that hadn't worked. So, he'd tried to drink them away, but all that had done was strip his inhibitions until he was thinking in his wasted state that maybe the best way to get rid of them, the _only_ way that had ever truly worked, was what he needed to do now.

He couldn't remember the face of the first person he'd taken against the wall in a dirty bathroom of some unknown club. He couldn't even remember if it had been male or female. All he'd known was that it had _worked._ Remus and his love for him and their relationship had been pushed aside, the pleasure, the satisfaction, the _power_, all of it had silenced the voices in a way that Remus and his happy family life had _never_ had.

"That's not true, Sirius. You're just using it to justify your actions. If it were true, you wouldn't have had to drink yourself senseless first, just as you've had to every other time."

"For fuck's sake, Prongs, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Sirius?"

The Animagus sprang to his feet, his hallucination fading as his head whipped towards the bedroom fireplace. He sucked in a sharp breath when he saw Remus's head sitting in the ashes.

"Moony," he whispered, the chaos in his mind dimming as he stared at the man he loved with his entire being.

"Can I, ah, can I come through? I need to talk to you."

_Fuck, yes, come, I need you. Merlin, I need you so much._

"'Course," he murmured. Remus nodded, his head disappeared and then the fireplace flared green, spitting out the sandy-haired man. Sirius stared at him, drinking him in, wanting nothing more than to walk over and touch him. Anywhere.

Just a small brush of his hand over his arm. Push his hair back out of his eyes. Press his lips into the hollow of his throat and breathe in his scent. But he knew he couldn't do that. Remus wouldn't allow it, probably wouldn't even allow him to get an inch closer.

That knowledge destroyed him.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice rough and a little timid. Remus frowned, not needing the question clarified.

They'd always been able to read each other like a book.

"I'm fine. Didn't Harry answer?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he did," Sirius answered softly. Didn't mean he believed it. Not until he'd seen it with his own eyes.

Remus took a deep breath, his eyes flashing to the unmade bed and then away again, pain flaring in the green. "There's, ah, there's something I need to tell you, but can we go into the living room? I can't… not here."

Sirius swore viciously, calling himself all kinds of stupid. Did he _want_ to torture the man? Without another word, he turned and strode from the room, the voices in his head taunting him as he walked. He ignored them as best he could and concentrated on the sound of Remus following him, taking a seat on the sofa in the main room before immediately jumping up again. He paced towards the kitchen and then paced back, nervous and fidgeting.

"Do you want tea? I'll make us tea. Yes, that's what I'll do, you love tea, it'll help, it'll make everything bet-"

"Sirius."

The Animagus spun back to his ex and swallowed, hands clenching and unclenching desperately.

"Please. Sit."

Instantly, the wizard took his seat again, never taking his eyes off the man in front of him. Fuck, he looked good. He wasn't as lean and wirily as he'd been in school, or even as he'd been after Sirius had gotten out of Azkaban. He was carrying more weight, had more scars, his eyes and mouth lined with the marks of his age, his hair sprinkled liberally with grey. But that didn't make him any less sexy. If anything, it made him more.

_And I threw this away? What the fuck is wrong with me?_

Remus cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius jumped in first, some instinct telling him that he didn't want to hear what the werewolf was about to say.

"You're staying with Tonks?"

The other wizard frowned and nodded. "Yes. For the moment. Sirius, I've had an off-"

"I'm sorry I haven't sent your stuff along yet. I just needed some time. I'll do it tonight, though. Do you want to choose what you want or do you want me to pick? I can if you want-"

"Sirius, stop. Let me say this. Please."

_No, don't say it, don't say it, whatever it is, I don't want to hear it. Please don't say it._

"Alright," he whispered, swallowing hard and staring down at the carpet. "Go ahead."

"Okay. Umm, I-I've had an offer. From Minerva. She wants me to be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor at Hogwarts, and I've… I've decided to t-take it."

The world opened up and swallowed Sirius whole, shredding his insides until his heart was a pulsing mass of pulp in his chest. The voices screamed as he stared at the other man stupidly. "You're… you're leaving?"

_You're leaving me? For good?_

_What do you expect, Black? You're completely unlovable._

_Filthy, sodding devil spawn. Horrid piece of trash. Disgusting, torrid, despicable little slag, unworthy of any kindness, unworthy of anything at all, should have slit your throat the first time you wailed at me, should have let your father beat you to death, dirty animal, sordid, inhuman, should have-_

"-SIRIUS!"

He blinked to find Remus standing right in front of him, gripping his shoulders and shaking him. He looked up into the werewolf's wide, confused eyes and his ex gasped, shock running across his features.

"Sirius, what-"

"You better go," he said dully, pulling away and getting to his feet. Remus blinked, his eyes following the Animagus as he prowled around the room.

"Sirius, are you… what's… I don't know… are you going to be alright?"

_Like you fucking care. You're leaving._

"Just go, Remus. Please."

"Umm… shit. Dora and Teddy are coming as well."

Sirius froze as the voices roared in his head and then he let out a bitter laugh, staring into the cold fireplace. "Should've known. Didn't take you long, did it?"

There was another gasp and a then beat of shocked silence from behind him. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that."

"You do that," Sirius drawled, the green-eyed monster inside him tearing his throat and chest to pieces. "Better go, Moony, wouldn't want to keep the missus waiting. Can't disappoint the family, now."

"Bloody hell, who _are_ you?" Remus whispered after another moment, the tone bewildered, hurt and horribly sad. Sirius closed his eyes, willing him to go.

"Not someone you want to know. Get out. Now."

Neither moved for a moment and then Sirius caught his ex stepping up beside him out of the corner of his eye. For an achingly hopeful moment, he thought he was going to say something, touch him, let him know that he wasn't really leaving, that he still loved him. But, of course, Remus didn't do that. The werewolf grabbed a handful of floo powder instead and walked into the fireplace, hesitating before throwing it. He looked over at Sirius, who avoided his gaze.

"I'm really going to miss you, Padfoot."

With that, he threw the powder down, calling out his destination, and was gone in a flash of green flames. Sirius turned to watch him go at the last second, their eyes connecting briefly, and then he was staring blindly into an empty grate.

Pulsing, pounding, screaming, in his head. Sirius turned and headed into the kitchen, taking the whiskey off the top shelf of the pantry. He knew what he needed to do.

"You're making a mistake, Padfoot."

"What's one more mistake among many," he muttered, not looking at James as he threw the alcohol back and quickly poured another.

An hour later saw him in a dingy little bar in the middle of the afternoon, slamming into a willing body as he tried to drown out the voices, the madness, the insanity running freely through him.

Tried to stop himself thinking of how he'd royally fucked up the only chance of happiness he'd ever had.


	6. Punishing

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Give me an N! Give me an O! What does that spell? If you don't know, you're _far_ too young to be reading this story, if you can even read at all.

**Chapter Six – Punishing**

_Tried to stop himself thinking of how he'd royally fucked up the only chance of happiness he'd ever had._

* * *

The first thing Remus did when he got back to Dora's, was to stick his head back in the fire and floo call Professor McGonagall. He wanted to get his acceptance of the position over and done with. He wanted to move on with his life, move on from Sirius.

He wanted to get as far away from the man as he possibly could. Literally and figuratively.

He didn't think it was possible for his once friend to hurt him more than he already had. Apparently, it very much was. Sirius had always been all over the place, moods swinging and changing at a whim, even when they were back in school. In fact, it had probably been worse back then. But he'd never been nasty, not like he had been earlier. And he'd _never_ pushed Remus away like he had, effectively ending all chance of them ever moving past their broken relationship and maybe being friends again sometime in the future. Even during sixth year, when he'd been acting moody and mysterious, not dating anyone and not wanting to be around Remus all that much, he'd still smiled and spoken to him, still treated him like a friend.

It had been one of the first things they'd agreed on when their relationship had begun, that their friendship would always come first. Now, though, it seems that that vow had been thrown out the window.

Remus sighed as he chucked the handful of floo powder into the hearth. He didn't want to think about Sirius at the moment; it made his chest ache. Of course, what he was about to do made his chest ache anyway. Hopefully, that would fade with time.

_Not bloody likely._

He ignored the snarled words, the denial from the both his human half and the animal half of him, and called out the Professor's name. The world spun and then he was looking into the Headmistress's office.

It hadn't changed much since Albus had died. Though Minerva had added a couple of things and taken a few away, she hadn't done much to the room, wanting to keep the memory of Hogwarts' greatest Headmaster alive. Remus suspected that the office staying pretty much the same comforted her as well. The two professors had been very close, and if Remus hadn't been positive that Albus had played for the same team he did, he would have said that the old Headmaster and the new Headmistress's relationship had gone beyond friendship.

Then again, Sirius played for both teams, so who says that- he cut that thought off abruptly as his heart swooped and burned.

_Stop thinking about Sirius, for Merlin's sake!_

"Remus?" Minerva said as she got up from her desk and walked towards the floo. "It's good to see you. You have an answer for me?"

Remus smiled to himself. If you didn't know the Headmistress well, you wouldn't have picked up on the eagerness in her tone. The DADA position was notoriously hard to fill, and with the start of the new school year only a month away, he understood her impatience. She hadn't pushed him, though, which he was very thankful for.

"I do," he said with a nod. "May I come through?"

"Of course," the Scottish woman said, stepping back to give him room. A minute or so later, Remus stepped into the wide, circular office.

"Remus, my boy! Welcome back!"

He turned his head and smiled at the portrait of Albus Dumbledore that hung over Minerva's desk. "Thanks, Albus. It's good to be back."

"Have a seat," Minerva invited, and as he did so, she walked over to a seemingly empty table and flicked her wand. Immediately, an old-fashioned tea set appeared, the steam coming out of the silver pot indicating that the liquid inside was piping hot. Remus raised a brow. _That_ hadn't been there before.

Seeing his expression, Minerva smiled. "One cannot survive on lemon drops alone, I have found. Only a certain person was able to do that, and I am not that person. Cream and sugar?"

Remus glanced at the portrait before answering, finding it empty. Though he wouldn't have minded the old Headmaster being there for the conversation, it seems that Dumbledore had decided to give them privacy. "No, thank you, I still take it straight."

"As you should," Minerva said with an approving nod, pouring his tea and handing it out to him. "Anything else ruins the flavour."

The werewolf took the silver teacup, knowing by the weight that the material was solid and pure. A small smile pulled at his lips and Minerva threw him a questioning look as she took her own seat.

"I was just thinking that it's a good thing I'm not affected by silver like werewolves in muggle fairytales are, otherwise I wouldn't be able to enjoy this lovely set you have here."

"Ah, yes, a good thing indeed," Minerva agreed with her own slight smile, taking a sip from her cup. "Now, you mentioned you had an answer?"

"I did," Remus said as he breathed in the steam and aroma. "I'd like to accept the position if it's still available."

"It's still available," Minerva confirmed, her smile widening. "Wonderful. I'll have quarters prepared immediately and you and Sirius can move in next week, if you like."

Well, shit. Her words were like a punch in the gut, flying out of nowhere and hitting him with the force of the Knight Bus. Of course, the Headmistress didn't _know_ that Sirius and him weren't together anymore, so it wasn't her fault, but still…

For the love of all things sacred and holy, would it ever stop hurting?

"Remus?"

"Ah," he rasped, clearing his throat and snapping his attention back to his new boss. "N-no need for the double quarters, Minerva. Sirius and I… well, there _is_ no Sirius and I. Not anymore."

He couldn't help the bitterness in his tone, or the way his face twisted as he said the words. Minerva's eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh dear. Oh, I do apologize, Remus, I just assumed…"

"It's alright," the werewolf interrupted her quietly. "How could you have known? It happened very recently. The only people who _really_ know at the moment are myself, Sirius and Dora. No harm done."

The old witch watched him closely, her expression clearly saying that she didn't believe him. She didn't question him further, though, just moved straight on, for which Remus was eternally grateful. He couldn't talk about it yet.

He wasn't sure if he'd _ever_ be able to talk about it.

"Alright, well, you can move in next week, if that's okay with you."

He nodded and took a sip of his now lukewarm tea. "Very okay with me. Is my lycanthropy going to be a problem? There's still a lot of prejudice out there about it."

"It shouldn't be," Minerva answered with a sigh. "You're registered with the Ministry and you've got your transformations under control. Many people also saw you fight bravely in the Final Battle, going up against and defeating your own kind. Therefore, as long as you remember to take you Wolfsbane, there shouldn't be a problem at all. Of course, that's not to say there won't be, especially with some of the pureblood families. But you have mine and the other professor's full support, and we can easily deal with anything if it arises."

She frowned when her companion didn't answer, just sat there with his teacup hovering halfway to his mouth, eyes wide and shocked.

"Remus? Whatever's the matter?"

"What? Oh, nothing, I'm fine," the werewolf answered faintly, while inside his head he was turning the air blue. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit. _How could he have possibly forgotten? He hadn't forgotten in _years, _and now, because of one drunken night, he went and forgot that one very important responsibility?

Fucking stupid _bastard._

"You don't look fine," Minerva said, once again watching him closely. Remus shook himself and sent the Headmistress a wobbly smile.

"I am, I've just, ah, remembered something. Can we finish this at another time? I need to go now."

"Of course we can, but…" she trailed off as Remus stood up abruptly, his teacup rattling as he hastily sat it on her desk, and made his way to the floo. She got up and followed him.

"Remus, you're worrying me."

The werewolf turned and smiled at his old Transfiguration teacher, trying not to show his impatience. He _really_ needed to go and make sure the place he had decided on if something like this ever happened was still available. He'd never actually thought he'd need to use it when he'd chosen it, but he still needed to have the option available. It was the responsible thing to do, after all.

He snorted at that thought. With what he'd forgotten to do, who was he to talk about responsibilities?

"I'm fine, Minerva, I really am," he said, patting her arm. "I just need to go now. I'll come back in a couple of days and we can discuss this more."

There was a brief moment of silence and then the Headmistress sighed and nodded. "As you wish. We'll be seeing you next week, anyway, if you don't manage to make it back before then."

Her tone clearly stated that he'd better make it back before then, and Remus's smile widened. Hell if _that_ didn't make him feel like he was back in school. "Yes, Professor."

The old woman snorted quietly and muttered something that sounded a lot like it contained the word 'Marauder.' Remus grinned, said his goodbyes and stepped into the hearth, his amusement fading as he spun his way back to Dora's, preparing to Apparate as soon as he got there.

He'd forgotten to take his Bane the night before. It didn't matter that he was drunk and passed out for most of the day and night, he'd still forgotten. And now, because of that one idiotic mistake, the wolf was coming out this month, so he had to go and see if the wards he and Sirius had set up years ago needed to be retouched.

If the wolf managed to get out and hurt anyone, all because he'd been wallowing in self-pity, he would hate himself until the day he died.

~0~

Two nights later saw him sitting naked on the ground, staring up at the sky, waiting for the moon to reach its peak. He was in the middle of a dense forest, miles away from any type of civilization, and surrounded by the strongest possible wards available to wizardkind. He'd given himself room to run, of course, but once he reached a certain point, they would stop him rather abruptly. It would hurt, which would just drive the wolf mad, but he could put up with that.

Hurting himself was _much_ better than hurting anyone else.

He was just beginning to feel the change approaching, that buzzing, humming, just short of painful feeling streaking along his skin, when a loud _crack_ rent the air. A very familiar, delicious spicy/tangy scent made his head snap down and a low growl escaped through his lips as he saw the company he now had, just outside the wards.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Sirius?"

His voice had already been affected by the change, coming out a lot rougher than usual. Just as it always had in the past, that first simple little sign affected Sirius as well, a shudder rolling through the other wizard at the sound, his hot grey gaze sweeping slowly over the werewolf's exposed skin. Remus's loins stirred and he growled again, the involuntary reaction pissing him off, which just affected Sirius more. His eyes glazed and he licked his lips, stepping closer to the wards, though he didn't enter.

"Sweet Merlin, Moony, you're so fucking sexy when you're like this."

"Answer me!" Remus hissed, swirling amber/green eyes tracking the wizard's movements. "What are you doing here?"

"Did you really think I'd let you go through this alone?"

The quietly spoken sentence threw the werewolf for a loop, which only succeeded in angering him more. Sirius shouldn't _be_ here. _No one_ should be here when Remus was like this!

_Mate._

No, no, he isn't, not any longer!

_Mate. Mine._

Remus snarled, surging to his feet, hands clenching around nails that had already lengthened to claws. His lips pulled back from his teeth and he growled, low and long, at the dark-haired wizard who was watching him carefully with banked lust swimming through his gaze. He had to leave! Now, before it was too late!

"_Go," _he rumbled, the word almost indistinguishable. A violent shudder racked through him, veins standing out all over his body, but his gaze stayed locked on Sirius. The other wizard groaned and swore softly, his now not-so-banked gaze locked between Remus's thighs, where his length jutted out proudly.

This always happened right before the change. As the moon hadn't yet reached its full height, it was as if the animal inside him was coming out the only way it knew how, arousing Remus to the point of pain. His Mate being around always emphasized it, and in the past, the two wizard's had enjoyed this time immensely, even if it was relatively short. He couldn't stop his body from reacting this way and it was a time that Remus had never been ashamed of.

Until now.

"_Go away!" _he snarled, beginning to pace as his skin itched madly. He whined as his groin throbbed, unimaginable heat pouring through him.

"No," Sirius said, the word breathless, making Remus's head whip around again. "I-I'm not leaving you alone. You forgot your Bane because of me. I'll stay right here if you want me to, but I'm not leaving you like this. I can't."

Anger exploded in Remus's head and he roared, flying towards the wards, only just stopping himself from hurtling right into them. Sirius blinked but didn't so much as step back.

"_He'll hurt you!"_

"You don't know that. He might not."

Oh, but he did. He definitely did.

"_Please… go…"_

Sirius groaned again at the pleading, reaching up to tug at his dishevelled hair. "Remus, for fuck's sake, I _can't!_ I'm sorry, I'm so very, very, sorry, but I just… I can't. I can't leave you while you're in pain. It's not possible."

_It certainly seemed possible a couple of days ago,_ Remus thought bitterly, a continuous rumbling snarl pouring from his throat, but the thought was cut off as right then, the moon abruptly reached its peak and his human world detonated.

There weren't words to describe the pain. He screamed as his bone snapped and shifted, breaking cruelly, the wolf shoving its way through his skin and reducing the wizard to a sobbing, quivering mess. His erection shrunk to nothing as relentless agony blotted out his arousal, fire burning and consuming him and making him screech hoarsely, the end of the sound falling off into an eerie howl as his vocal chords began to shift. His knees bend backwards and his spine hunched and rippled, white-hot pain blasting through him and making him forget everything else.

He couldn't remember the last time it had been this bad. Sure, the change was easier when he remembered his Bane, but even before that, the pain had never been this horrendous. He continued to scream manically for what seemed like endless hours, the wolf's howl mixing in, and then finally, the burn began to fade as the change completed.

The wolf shifted slightly, growling as his senses adapted to his surroundings. He could smell damp earth and rotting leaves, clean air and freedom, and something else, something, something…

_Mate._

His snout snapped up and the large black dog next to him whimpered, taking an instictive step back. Fury ripped through the wolf at the sight of the other animal and he was off the ground in an instant, snarling menacingly, drool dripping from gaping jaws that showed incredibly sharp, pointed teeth. The dog's grey eyes widened and he took another step back, cowering in the face of the Alpha, expecting whatever the wolf felt was his due.

_Hurt. _

_Left. _

_Others._

_Others. Others. Others._

_Mine._

_Punish._

_Punish!_

The wolf growled once more, low and vicious. He braced himself, then streaked forward, faster than a thought, and the sound of the dog's pain-filled yipping and whining could be heard all throughout the now deadly silent forest.


End file.
